2 years.

I always said i wanted at least 2 children. I also said I wanted them to be 2 years apart. As crazy as it sounds, it hit me that if I want another child, and I want this child to be 2 years younger than Anna, then it is time to think about pregnancy....again...already. Holy Cow is this an overwhelming thought. (You have no idea just how overwhelming!)

Most people don't have to think this far ahead. They can take their time, and let "nature take it's course." But because of my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, I have to plan ahead. It may take me another 2 years to get pregnant, it make take 5 years, it may take 3months. The problem with infertility, is that there are no guarantees. Your body gives you no calender to check off, no cycle to follow. I have heard that after your first, the likelihood of becoming pregnant with number 2 is much greater. So, do I wait a couple of years, and hope this happens fast or do I try now and risk getting pregnant sooner than I feel ready? The choice is sooner or later. I want to be ready. I want Dan to be ready. But, what if we wait to "feel ready" and the opportunity has slipped us by.

When I look at my precious baby, the feeling of bringing another one into her life burdens me with guilt. I want Anna to have time with Dan and I to herself. I want to create special memories with her before I bring in a sibling and life becomes too chaotic to treasure. Anna deserves all of me, and if I give her any less, than I feel like I have cheated her.

I simply do not know how I will manage life with a toddler and a newborn. I do not know how you mothers do it. When I see you at the park, in the mall, at the grocery store...I look at you in awe. How can I give Anna the energy she deserves during the day, and at the same time, care for a newborn? How can I take care of the house, my husband and my family when I am sleep deprived? To be quite honest, I can hardly manage the task now. Laundry piles up, the floors need to be vaccumed and Dan and I haven't gone on a date in the longest time. Then there is the financial aspect, which I am sure I do not need to explain to any of you who are parents.

I do not want to sound negative. The addition of a child in our lives will bring unspeakable joy. He or She will be a WELCOME addition, a cherished gift from God. I am just beginning to comprehend the reality of my dream come true. Sometimes, our greatest joy can also bring our greatest trials. Raising a family is the realization of my most precious dreams. I cannot wait for Anna to have a sibling; someone to share life with, someone to roll her eyes with when her Mom gets on her nerves :). I want to give her a partner -in-crime, a confidante, a buddy. I want her to have a constant friend, (even though, i know siblings do not always feel as lucky as they are :) ).

All this to say, i have a lot on my mind. If only i had a crystal ball which would predict when, or even if, a second child will enter our lives. God's plan is perfect, He blessed us with a perfect child...and I will lean on Him to determine when number 2 will make his or her entrance into our world.

Amen.